A Picture Tells a Thousand Words
by Tizzy's Sporks
Summary: 100 snapshots of the life and times of the crew of the USS Enterprise.
1. 1 Shitake mushrooms

**Disclaimer** - I don't own Star Trek or any of the awesome characters and what not of that universe.

**AN** - okay, I've got a list of 100 prompts that I found floating around the internet. So there should eventually be a hundred chapters to this thing. They're not in chronological order. They may not even be in the same 'verse, we'll see. The prompt is in the chapter bar thingie.

I do not have a beta. Anything that doesn't make sense or flow well is my fault. Don't be afraid to point our flaws, I would like to fix them. Flames are just a waste of all our time, so don't bother. Plus, my own ST exposure has been the 2009 movie and fanfic. So, people may be out of character and liberties may have been taken.

STAR_TREK_I_AM_A_LINE_BREAK_THINGIE_DON'T_MIND_ME_STAR_TREK

**Prompt 1 - shitake mushrooms**

"And another point for the Enterprise!" Jim whisper-cheered as he and the away team were lead down the hall.

"Shh." Uhura shushed her Captain with a scolding look. It would have been more effective if her lips weren't twitching toward a smile. Despite her efforts, Jim Kirk had grown on her over the year-and-odd-months serving with him. He was like a fungus that way, the respect and affection would creep into your heart when you weren't looking, you just couldn't win.

_Smack_

"Oww." Jim yelped quietly. Rubbing the back of his head, he glowered at his CMO. "What was that for?"

"You'll jinx us, you dimwit." McCoy grumbled, hazel eyes warily watching his surroundings. "We're not back on the ship yet. There could be a terrorist attack, or rebels, or - "

"Relax, Bones." Jim gave his best friend and brother-by-all-but-blood an easy grin. "We chased off the Klingons already. The dilithium mining contract is signed and on its way to Command. The Illorians are officially Federation members who really like us. And now we get free food, and we'd be insulting them if we refused. We'll be fine. What can go wrong?"

Famous last words.

The away team entered the courtyard where the banquet was being held and settled around the large table set up for everyone. Conversations flowed easily as the first course of appetizers was brought out. Uhura chatted with a Minister of History about the Illorian prose beautifully carved into the walls of several buildings, the pair using a sheet of something similar to parchment and what looked to Jim like old Terran feather quills to compare calligraphy or some such. Bones was bickering(?) with an Illorian healer over something the CMO had saved on his tricorder. A pair of botanists were comparing notes with a Minister of Botany (go figure), the trio trying to determine which strains of offworld flora could be safely introduced to the planet's ecosystem for the mining community. The security team that Spock (and Giotto and Sulu and several others) insisted go planetside with the captain were further down the table, chatting about something with some of the Illorian version of soldiers. They had worked together to fight off some Klingons and, from what Jim could read off their expressions and body language (darling Uhura wasn't the only person in the command crew who could do that), they seemed to be getting along well. Jim himself was being entertained by a Minister of War, the pair discussing the defenses that would be put in place around the future mining stations and the tactics they both had used against the Klingons.

Three courses of appetizers went smoothly like this until the fourth arrived, a broth with a few native bits of vegetation steeping in it. The Starfleet officers followed their hosts' example of dipping pieces of flat bread into the soup and using them as edible spoons. A few bits in, Jim noticed the backs of his hands were getting itchy. Glancing down at them, his blue eyes widened slightly then swung up the table to land on his quarry.

"Bones."

"What, Jim?" The doctor distractedly answered.

"Bones -" He paused to cough, starting to wheeze. "Might have a problem."

That got McCoy's full attention. Hazel eyes shot up to look over his Captain. Cursing, he decided going around the table would take too long. Instead, he stood on his chair, clambered across the table (gaining everyone's attention), and hopped down in time to catch his friend as he collapsed out of his seat. Easing Jim to the ground, McCoy dug into his ever-trusty med kit for an hypospray, swiftly stabbing it into his patient's neck while the other hand pulled out the tricorder. While the machine scanned, he looked over Jim with eyes and hands, noting the hives crawling up hands and forearms, the swelling that was constricting the airway, the blue tinge to lips that was starting to fade back to a healthier pink. Skimming over the readings the machine gave him, he found and administered another hypo before leaning back to address his worried audience, one hand on Jim's chest to continue monitoring his (thankfully no longer wheezing) breathing.

"He'll be alright with some rest. It was just an aggressive allergic reaction." McCoy explained, seeing the barely-noticeable (but he's a doctor, damnit, he has to be freaking super observant with the idiots in the crew who won't tell him that they're unwell or in pain like the nutcase he's patching up again) easing of tension in Spock's frame. (The hobgoblin may pretend otherwise, but everyone on the Enterprise knew how much he cared for their Captain, they were just waiting to the pair of them to admit it.)

"I am most sorry." Their Illorian head host warbled, the feathers of his part-avian frame further expressing his distress. "We sought to ensure that all the dishes served were safe for Human and Vulcan consumption."

"We of Starfleet accept your apology and assure you that no negative action will be taken over this incident." Spock stepped in smoothly, allowing the doctor to return most of his attention to Kirk. "Our Captain has a more sensitive constitution than most Humans, and not even our most dedicated healers can predict when his body will react violently to new substances. As we were partaking of our meal just before the Captain's collapse, it is only logical to deduce that something he ingested caused the reaction. May you tell us what are the ingredients of the soup which he had been consuming?"

The avian blinked a moment, processing the Commander's question. Clarity arriving as he successfully translated Spock-speak, he hastened to rattle off the different items of vegetation used to make the soup.

A blue-clad crew member cut in. "Daplas? Those are the fungal bulbs your Minister of Botany showed us in the outer courtyard, right?" At the Illorian's nod, he turned to the doctor. "Scans showed they were very similar to Terran shitake mushrooms, doctor."

"That probably did it." McCoy absentmindedly replied. "Jim and Terran Far East foods don't mix too well. Take it easy, Jim. Just lay there and breathe."

Blue eyes blinked up lazily, their owner following the directions of the soothing familiar voice. "B'nes?"

"Right here. You had an allergic reaction."

"Oh. Ev'one 'k?"

"Everyone else is fine. You're the one who passed out. Told you you'd jinx us."

Jim gave a weak glare before deciding he was too tired to keep his eyes open any longer.

"Go to sleep." Bone's voice drifted into his ears. "We'll get you safely back to the ship. Just rest."

Who was he to disobey doctor's orders? Jim let consciousness fade away, knowing Bones and Spock and the rest of the away team had everything under control. Best damn crew in the whole damn fleet.

_AND_THAT'S_THE_END_FOLKS_

hope you liked. and reviews (and criticism) are welcome.


	2. 2 toilet paper

**Disclaimer - **the boys, the academy, the random Andorian, none of them are mine

**AN - **here's the next piece, not necessarily related to the previous one, I haven't really decided. Academy era, some cursing, implied sex off-stage.

STAR_TREK_WHO_WANTS_TO_GO_TO_ANOTHER_UNIVERSE_AND_JOIN_THE_ENTERPRISE_CREW?

**Prompt 2 - toilet paper**

"They did it again."

"You sure it was them?"

"Who else could pull this off?"

"True… But this just doesn't seem right…"

"Why not?"

"It just doesn't seem like their style. Plus, damaging the monument…"

"Okay, that part is odd. But still…"

Jim and Leonard strolled through the east courtyard, the pair of second-year cadets off to find breakfast. The blonde had his red jacket open and an easy grin on his face, tossing amused looks at his companion. "Why so grumpy, old man?"

"Shuddap, kid."

"Come on, Bones. It's a beautiful day. Sun's shining, birds singing, grass - "

"Keep it up and I'll find a nice STD to hypo you with. The kind that makes certain bits shrivel up and fall off."

"Aw, you're so mean to me, Bones…"

"Deserve it."

"Moi? I go and hook you up with beautiful women -"

"Crazy ones."

" - denying myself their company - "

"You had plenty."

" - so you can relax and have some fun - "

"Not my kind of fun."

" - and even gave you a contraconcep-"

"They had extra limbs! And parts women weren't supposed to have!"

"You rejected them 'cause they didn't fit human norms? Bones, don't turn into a xenophobe on me. That - "

"I'm not! The sex was great, happy now?"

"No, because you're still snarly."

"They thought I was signing up to be their pet or something."

"You mean petu?"

"Yeah, that."

Jim stops and stares at his doctor friend, and bursts out laughing. Leonard scowls, watches for several moments, and huffs and starts stalking away. Pulling himself together, Jim scrambles to catch up.

"Wait, wait. It's not what you think."

"Oh really?" Sarcasm dripped off the short phrase.

"It was a compliment, not a contract. Not a pet like a dog but petu, someone with great skills in the bedroom. They were kinda asking you to come back for another round later, become friends with benefits sort of thing. They were impressed."

Leo lifts a skeptical eyebrow.

"I'm serious, Bones." The smile falls off Jim's face and blue eyes meet brown in earnestness. "Remember, I lived on their planet for a few months while I was traveling around before joining Starfleet. That's why I hooked you up with 'em. I knew they could give you a good time yet not expect any strings to be attached or whatever. Just some mutual gratification so you could relax and have some fun."

"Oh." Looking appeased and thoughtful, Leonard started walking again, Jim keeping pace.

"If you want, I can talk to them and smooth over any misunderstanding. If you wanna see them again, I mean."

"Don't know." Leo muttered, "Think about it."

"Good." Jim slapped his friend on the back. "You need to get out more, have some fun, not bury yourself in so much work and whiskey."

"I like my work and whiskey." Leo grumbled, but a smile tugged at his lips. It was hard to deny a force of nature like Jim Kirk, especially when he was determined to help you better your own life. While joining Starfleet had been a last option spontaneous move on Leonard's part, he didn't regret it, not with the friendship and healing he received by the blond he had sat next to on that damn shuttle.

As they exited the courtyard, they noticed a crowd of people gathered around one of the many monuments scattered about the campus. Various heroes and tragedies were remembered with these statues and plaques from throughout the history of Starfleet. Curious, the pair nudged their way through the mass of beings, the murmurs falling silent as they saw who was trying to break through. Reaching the front, Leonard drew in a sharp breath of dismay, feeling his friend stiffen beside him. Managing to tear his startled eyes away, he glanced at Jim, who had gone pale with a mix of shock, grief, and a rising anger.

The monument had been of a starship and the waist up armless busts of two men with a plaque on the stone pedestal they were all mounted on. Some sort of paint had been used over most of the pedestal, words like "bastard" "murderer" and "suicidal weakling" scribbled among random designs. Toilet paper had been thrown over it, the flowering plants at the base ripped up and scattered around, and mocking drawings of mustaches and genitalia had been placed on the faces and chests of the busts. The worst and probably irreparable damage was that the perpetrator had found a way to break off the stone model of the ship and used something sharp to dig gouges into the face of the younger of the two men. A viewer could still read the message on the plaque: "In memory of all those lost in the destruction of the _USS Kelvin_, and the captains who fought to the death for their crew, Captain Richard Robau and Acting Captain George Kirk."

"They broke the first rule." Jim muttered, then slowly moved toward the damaged monument.

"First rule?" An Andorian asked in the silence.

"There's a few rules to pull a prank. First is never do a prank that can't be undone. We filled the pool with jello once, but left instructions about a safe chemical that would dissolve the stuff in an hour, leaving no permanent damage behind. Others include don't do pranks on random people at random times, since you never know when they're having a bad day and the prank just makes it worse. If you do a prank on a person, make sure they have a good sense of humor, or you're getting them back for a prank pulled on you." Finished with the explanation, Leonard strode across the small lawn to stand next to his best friend.

Jim bent and hefted into his arms the small but detailed model of the _USS Kelvin_ starship that had been left on the grass. Turning it about, he looked at the cleanly sawed-off area where it had connected to the statue, then at the lines carved into his father's face. "I'm gonna kill them." He growled. "I'm gonna find the assholes who did this and make them wish they'd never been born."

"Jim - "

"Just because I never got to meet the man doesn't mean I didn't respect him. He was my dad, for fuck's sake. I'm not gonna stand by while someone defiles his memory and his sacrifice like this. They're gonna learn you don't mess with a Kirk, living or dead."

"I'm not arguing that. I just - "

"And if the Admiralty wants to throw a fit over me putting some shitheads in the hospital for doing something like this, then that's their problem. I don't - "

"Jim!" Leonard grabbed his friend's shoulders and turned the younger man to face him. Blue eyes blazed with rage and sorrow, daring him to fight him on this decision. "I'm not against you on this. I'll probably hold the bastards while you punch them or something. But, for right now, how about you put down the ship and let's go see Pike. He'll help us find whoever did this."

Jim stared a moment, then nodded. Released by Leonard, he turned and carefully placed the stone ship at the base of the monument. Another glance at his father's ravaged face, then he turned and stalked away, Leonard quickly catching up and matching his fast pace. The crowd opened a path for them, the aura about the crowd one of sympathy and shared righteous anger.

"Told you it wasn't them."

"Yeah, the statue thing was too much."

"Hope whoever did this gets expelled or something."

"_Before _Kirk finds them."

"You see how pissed off he was. Kinda scary."

"I'd be too if someone did something like this to my dead parent's memory."

"Wonder if they'll be able to repair it."

"Probably have to order a new one."

"That sucks."

AND_THAT'S_THE_END_FOLKS

sorry for the ending, I could figure out a good way to wrap it all up.

reviews are awesome. criticism is good too.


	3. 3 rubber chicken

**they ain't mine. enough said.**

found this on my hard drive. decided "heck with it, let's post it." so here ya go.

* * *

The rubber chicken started out as a gag gift during the Academy years. It was Christmas of their first year and Bones was in a bad mood. Well, bad was too light a word for the grumpy snarly utter-pissed-at-the-world mood the doctor was in. Jim had been looking around in this little store tucked away in the depths of San Francisco, searching for something non-alcoholic to help distract Bones when he found the yellow bird. One of those crazy ideas that will make his future crew love him and the admiralty hope he'll never procreate because they don't want to deal with more Kirks hit him with the speed of a starship at warp 10. A wicked grin spread across his face as his blue eyes got that particular gleam of madness and genius wrapped up in one awesome package.

December 21st came along, Bones getting more and more angry and depressed. He had been shaken awake by his annoying blond room-mate and pushed into the bathroom. A bit of revenge arrived in the form of a detox hangover-cure hypo hitting McCoy in the neck, Jim smirking at the doctor's snarls. Orders to shower and dress thrown at him, the older man was left staring at the bathroom door as a far-too-cheerful Kirk scamper out. Since he was already up, Bones obeyed and emerged to see a grinning Jim waiting for him with a package, the colorfully-wrapped box shoved into the doctor's hands.

"What's this?"

"Early Christmas gift. Open it."

Bones watched the blond bouncing in front of him, then warily unwrapped the gift. The box held the rubber chicken in all it's yellow glory, its flabby wings holding a scrap of paper. "Look outside." He read aloud.

Jim nodded, practically bursting with glee.

"What the hell is outside?" The doctor demanded, not sure he wanted to know what the nutcase had planned.

"A very special lady. Go on, she won't bite."

"Jim -"

"Go open the door, Bones."

Fearing he would regret it, Bones slowly walked to the door of the dorm. Taking a deep breath to try to prepare himself, he triggered the switch.

"Surprise!" A female voice exclaimed.

"Joanna?"

"Merry Christmas, Daddy!" The little girl leapt at her father, her arms wrapping around his waist. "Did we surprise you?"

Broken out of his shock, McCoy scooped up his baby girl and held her close. "You most certainly did." Turning to his friend, he could only shake his head incredulously and ask, "How?"

Jim was grinning like a loon, proud and pleased. "I may have contacted a few people and set up a few things so a certain female dog would not be in a position to take care of your daughter for the next week or so. Court orders and everything. And it may nudge said courts into finding her an unsuitable person to care for a child. Not that she needs the help in that regard. End result, Jo-Jo Bean here is yours for the rest of our winter break. Just let me grab my bag and the place is all yours."

"Wait, what?" Bones reached out and caught the blond's arm. "Where do you think you're going?"

"A hotel or something. I'll find a place." Jim shrugged, a grin on his lips but not quite reaching his eyes. "Christmas is for family."

"And you're family, dang it." Turning to the girl on his hip, Bones asked, "Sweetpea, do you want Uncle Jim to have Christmas with us?"

"Yes!" The child cried out, nodding ferociously. "You said he is your brother, so he's family. Don't you wanna play tea party and read the Santa book and bake cookies with me, Uncle Jim?"

"Yeah, Jim." Bones' tone was playful but his hazel eyes were sincere. "Don't wanna disappoint your favorite niece, now do ya?"

Blue eyes stared at father and daughter, then a shy smile crept across Jim's face. "I guess I can stick around."

"Good. Now grab her luggage." The doctor turned away, pretending not to see the extra moisture in those grateful blue eyes.

* * *

and that's all for now.


End file.
